THe Chand One
by DarthFiona
Summary: Rumplestiltskin surrenders his powers to Chandler upon Henry's death. Ross was adopted by Regina when she created Storybrooke, but when he was six, he returned to the Gellers. Owen still convinced Regina to adopt Henry. Emma gives Rachel her Savior powers.
1. Chapter 1

New York is a magical city. One of frost, one of holiday lights, one thrumming with energy.

Rumplestiltskin runs his gloved thumb along the gravestone. Making a trail in the snow at the top.

Henry Mills. Six feet underground. Thanks to his insane ambition to destroy magic—forever.

It had been lame at best. Irksome and annoying. Rumple wasn't the only one who found Henry's ambition tiresome. Henry had _wanted_ magic to exist before Emma broke the curse. After she broke it, whenever someone tried to do something Henry wanted to stop, his answer was to destroy all magic rather than talk sense into the person or neutralize their magic.

He saw all magic as bad. Clearly, he had never watched Sabrina. It never seemed to come to him that magic could be _fun_. It always had to be evil. Poor kid. Like his father, he lacked a sense of humor. Thankfully, Hook's daughter, Hope, does not. Hook, never mind that he is Rumple's rival, knows how to laugh. He doesn't take life seriously like Neal and Henry did.

Henry only accepted magic when he was being spoiled.

In conclusion, it wasn't shocking that at the age of twenty-four, Henry discovered an ancient book in Neal's NYC apartment. This book promised to destroy magic once and for all—with a spell, of all ironies. The fool killed himself in the attempt.

Neal's son is dead.

Nothing left of Neal remains for the future. Henry sired no babies. The self-righteous line of Rumple's seed is vanquished.

Ironically, Neal's NYC apartment's neighbors knew Henry's predecessor, Regina's original adoptee. In fact, one was his sister.

Ross had run away when he was old enough to seek his biological parents. He found them and his obese sister, Monica.

They had been glad to have him back. They'd only given Ross up because they hadn't been financially stable when Ross was born. Jack Geller's boss had fired him for "mishandling a case", and he'd been unemployed for months. They'd had to sell their home and move in with his parents.

It was an open adoption. Ross had always known his birth parents through photographs and letters. Letters that contained their address on the top left corner of the envelope.

The address he showed a concerned woman on the train asking where the six-year-old boy lived.

Regina had let him go, thinking she didn't need kids. Then Owen had convinced her to try adoption again.

Well, Archie had.

Rumple turns to the man standing beside him. The one who had found Henry's limp body and called Rumple. Because Henry had been carrying a laminated card for years that said, "If anything should happen to me, call my grandpa." Below those words sits Rumple's Pawn Shop phone number (Rumple does not own any other phones).

Ruthlessly, childishly, overthinkingly, Henry did not want his mother to be the first to learn of his death because "I don't want to hurt her". Rumple knows when Regina finds out, she will feel betrayed. She loves Henry the most, so she has the most right to know of his death first.

Just like the man beside him will need to be first to learn of Monica's death.

"Are you ready?"

Chandler rubs his bare hands together and chuckles gleefully. His breath makes white puffs in the frosty air. "Boy am I ever!"

Rumple hands him the dagger. Chandler closes his eyes. Monica stands in the window of her apartment, watching with her arms folded as their babies—Erica and Jack—sleep peacefully. She can look down upon the graveyard from their home, can see the figures and pick Chandler out.

She isn't approving of this arrangement, but Chandler wants to do it. She feels she has to support him and have faith in the man she married.

Rumple begins weaving the magic. Black strings shoot out of him toward Chandler. Circling Chandler. Swallowing him.

When Rumple finishes, he sags to his knees in the snow, dampening his dress pants. Freezing his knees as he watches his name evaporate from his dagger.

_Chandler Bing_ replaces _Rumplestiltskin_.

He feels fifty pounds lighter without his dark magic. But he can still weave.

"There you are," he says to Chandler.

Chandler vanishes. To go to the training camp of the Dark Ones. Rumple teleports to their apartment door and knocks.

Monica is still frowning. Her arms are still folded when she opens the door.

He holds out the dagger. "This is yours."

Then he teleports into Neal's apartment to be alone and mourn his son and grandson in solitude.


	2. Chapter 2

Monica meets Phoebe in Central Perk with the twins' double stroller in tow. Central Perk is decorated with colorful holiday lights. If one looks closely, they can see some of them are shaped to spell RACHEL. Both Monica and Phoebe have on coats. Monica wears gloves, but Phoebe has bare hands.

"Chandler's the Dark One!" Monica blurts, wanting Phoebe to deny it or have no idea what a Dark One is. This is crazy! Chandler can't be a boogeyman! Chandler had only known he was going to change two hours ago. Rumple hardly gave him five minutes to decide. Such a life-changing decision. Rumple explained if he took too long, Rumple might back out. Again.

Phoebe's eyes light up. She grabs Monica's teal-gloved hands and jumps up and down. "I always knew he was evil!"

Monica sighs. "I'm married to the Dark One," she says out loud for the first time. "What am I going to tell the kids?"

"What are you talking about? This is the bravest thing Chandler ever did! All this time I thought he was a wuss." Grabbing Monica's arm comfortingly, Phoebe murmurs, "If my dad had done this when I was a kid, I'd be proud! My dad caring enough what I think to do something brave? That's one of those kid moments, you know? Where they feel loved? My dad never did something cool for me. Erica and Jack are lucky." She glances with jealousy at the stroller.

Erica gurgles.

Gunther approaches their table with two coffee mugs. "I saw the engagement ring on Rachel's finger?"

Sipping her coffee with her arms crossed, Monica answers, "Yes."

"Can I go as one of your dates?"

Flatly, Monica replies, "I'm married."

Gunther waves her away. "He's the Dark One now. You're doomed for divorce."

"Did you want an invitation, Gunther?" asks Phoebe.

"Yes, please."

"We can ask Rachel," Monica offers.

"Whatever you do," Gunther utters smoothly, "don't ask Ross. He still hasn't forgiven me for the We Were On a Break thing." Rolling his eyes, he adds, "What a womanizer."

Then he is back behind the cashier, taking an order from a man who looks a lot like Tag, only older.

The guy turns around; it is Tag.

Phoebe jumps. "Tag! What are you doing here?"

Tag shrugs. "I don't know." He shows them his skateboard. "Been cruising the streets, thinking of Rachel. Here I am." He gives them a killer smile. "Actually, I moved nearby. Me and my girlfriend bought an apartment in your building." He nods at Monica. "Different floor."

Phoebe blurts, "Monica married the D—"

Monica covers Phoebe's mouth. "Who is your girlfriend?"

Smiling wanly, he replies, "Jill Green."

Monica makes a face. She tries to flatten it but can't. "You're dating Rachel's sister?"

"At least he's not dating your cousin," Phoebe counters. "I'd be so jealous of him! Hubba hubba!"

"I hate Jill," Monica complains. "Although Amy's worse. I still have a bad taste in my mouth from her last visit."

"Yeah, she introduced me to Amy." Tag shakes his head. "She's a real brick."

"Why are you and Jill moving in together?" Phoebe wonders.

Tag shakes his head. "Well…I knocked her up."

Phoebe spits her coffee all over his red sweater. "Get out of town!"

"We're trying to decide if we want to marry or co-parent."

Monica's eyes narrow. "You two kids run around getting pregnant while biddies like me have to adopt." Then she shakes her head slowly. "What am I thinking? Our babies are perfect."

"Be glad you didn't get knocked up." Tag pats Monica's back comfortingly. "Jill has morning sickness all day long. She can't eat anything. At this rate, her ass and face will be stick-thin before the baby comes out."

Ursula and Cruella stroll into Central Perk.

"Well," Monica says, pulling on the handle of her stroller, "Pheebs and I are about to take a walk, so if you'll excuse us? Come on, Mrs. Hannigan."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Emma sits in Central Perk, holding her five-month-old daughter, Hope, on her lap.

It is the week before Christmas, and all Emma knows is she does not want to be a Savior anymore.

"Emma!" a frustrated growl reaches Emma's ears. Emma winces and turns to the woman, who doesn't look at her. "I told you, if you keep up with this meltdown, Santa won't be visiting this Christmas!"

"Will too!" the spunky three-year-old snipes. Stubbornly setting her jaw, the kid says, "I guarantee it."

Flinging her arms in the air, the woman yelps, "How dare you imitate me! I am your mother! And I have had it with the attitude."

Losing the stubbornness, the little girl eyes her mother suspiciously. "How do you know Santa won't come if I'm bad?"

"Because I am Santa!" Then the mother covers her mouth. "Damn, that just slipped out," she mutters to herself.

"I thought you were going to say he has cameras!" The kid is on the brink of hysterics.

Emma steps in. "Hey, sweetheart! Did your mom say your name is Emma?"

With a trembling bottom lip, the girl nods.

Emma holds out her hand. "So is mine! What a coincidence!"

The mother is eyeing her like she is crazy. Well, too bad. Emma was merely trying to help this stranger not lose her mind. And now she is about to think she's psycho.

"This is my daughter, Hope. My husband is Captain Hook. My mother is Snow White. Do you know who my father is?"

Eyes lighting up, the girl announces, "Pwince Charming!"

"Yes, that's right."

Grabbing her cheeks, the mother gasps, "Oh my God, do you know Rumplestiltskin?"

Nervously, Emma replies, "Yes, why? Did he make a deal with you?"

"No…he turned my friend, Chandler, into the Dark One." The mother begins playing with the back of her hair. "I'm Rachel. Rachel Green."

"Oh. Hi." Grimacing, Emma asks tentatively, "Do you hate me yet?"

Puzzled, Rachel Green asks, "Why would I hate you? You just saved me from a meltdown! Thank you, oh kind Savior! Besides," she crosses one leg over the other, "I'm not the one who married that chump. Monica might punch you when you meet her."

"Dully noted."

"Your daughter is beautiful. Can I hold her?"

"Uh-huh! Her dad's three hundred, by the way," Emma adds, merely to see Rachel's expression.

Rachel doesn't disappoint. She flinches as she takes the baby, but the little one's wide eyes are so adorable that Rachel hastily forgets her nausea. "Hi, Hope! Aren't you a beauty? Your mother must feel like a million bucks every time you smile at her."

"Yes," Emma agrees. "Hope has the best smiles." She pauses. "I am the Savior though. Literally."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I'm tired of it," Emma admits, glaring at her lap as Rachel's Emma strolls over to Gunther and whispers, "Mommy says you aren't Santa."

"She's lying," Gunther declares, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't you see the resemblance?"

"To be frank, no," replies Rachel's Emma, curling her pretty lashes at him.

"Alright, fine," Gunther is saying as Emma and Rachel talk. "I'm your daddy."

"Liar!" Rachel's Emma stomps on his foot.

Rachel, who was watching the scene, grimaces. "I'd kill for your power. My daughter isn't a good little girl—she's a spirited thing. I'm tired of always apologizing for her. Would be nice if I could just Savior her awkward moments away."

Emma frowns thoughtfully as she takes her baby back from Rachel. "Being a good little girl is overrated anyway. I'm sure you wish she were better-behaved, but at least your daughter knows who she is. And no one is good _all the time_ anyway. My mom and I both used to steal."

"I see your point," Rachel says, rubbing her chin. "I'm not exactly perfect either. But I am worried Emma might streak in her college days. I probably should stop watching reruns of _Sister Sister_ because after that episode where Ray confessed he did it, I can see Emma doing it."

Emma Swan squints nervously at Rachel Green. "Are you trying to tell me the girl likes to be in the nude?"

"Well, she's not embarrassed, but mainly she likes to shock people. Which is why I'm threatening her with Santa. She just got kicked out of daycare for putting a spider on her teacher's wrist, when her teacher informed her yesterday she has arachnophobia. She went into shock, couldn't move, the kids went berserk, and it turned out to be poisonous…she's in the hospital now and should be fine since she got the antidote, but if I said I'm proud right now…" Rachel shakes her head. "I'd be lying."

Then she laughs. "I feel like we're Jasmine and Aladdin in the Disney film…one of us saying how we wish we could live in a palace, the other arguing it sucks. Both of us feeling trapped…if only we _were_ in a Disney film. I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat."

"But you can."

"I can?" asks Rachel, perking up. "I was only kidding…but…this wouldn't involve switching bodies, would it? Not that you aren't good-looking, just I'm not sure I want to be married to a three-hundred year old man. No offense."

"I can give you my Savior powers, that's all."

Rachel looks at Emma Swan as if she offered her a giant ruby. She glances down. "For real? You would?"

"Would you let me?"

"Yes!"

Emma starts to talk about the responsibilities of being a Savior, but Rachel hushes her up with a finger miming slitting her throat.

"Goodness, _everything_ comes with responsibilities. I'm a mother of a three-year-old, after all. You remind me of Ross. Let me just spare you…I don't care about lectures. I'm a speeder. I do without worrying about the consequences." Giving Emma Swan a cocky look, she announces, "I can handle this Savior thing. Just give it to me."

So Emma does without another word.


	4. Chapter 4

Joey had fainted in the middle of eating his favorite sandwich. Ross brought him to the ER. Joey is conscious now, but they are in the waiting room.

Ross decides to distract Joey by telling him about Rachel. "So, Rachel met this woman named Emma Swan…she knows Rumplestiltskin."

"What is he again? A boogeyman?"

"No, he's a real person."

"Riiight. Like Dr. Drake Ramoray."

Ross thins his lips. "Not like that at all."

Joey rolls his eyes. "Okay, so, the boogeyman and Emma Swan had a steamy one-night stand, then you find out he's her twin brother. I saw it on _Game of Thrones_."

Ross slides his hands to mime "no". "That's the kind of thing that made me _not_ watch the show. The book was bad enough."

Joey stares at Ross. "Ain't no way there's a book, man. It'd be in my freezer."

"Joey, there's a Barnes and Noble two doors down from your workplace. If you don't believe me, it wouldn't hurt you to walk in there and have a look around."

Joey points at Ross, grinning maniacally. "Nice try. I've been in there. It's Hooters."

Ross has to look away from Joey because his eyes are rolling in his head so far back he can't see. "I said two doors, Joe," he mutters with exaggerated patience. "Hooters is between them."

"Alright!"

"I don't recommend the _Game of Thrones_ books though. I could give you some recommendations for some positively bone-chilling books about fossils."

"Thanks, but no thanks. Who has time to read anymore anyway? By the way, Ross," Joey slaps his back. "Congratulations on your second baby!"

"Um, okay. Much belated, but sure."

"I meant now that you and Rachel are married. I always forget about Ben."

"We're engaged, Joe."

"What? I thought she was showing off your anniversary ring."

"Emma was conceived before Rachel and I—" Ross stops, deciding now isn't the time to get technical. Joey will figure it out tomorrow either way. Then he realizes. "Rachel's pregnant?"

Frowning, Joey says, "She told me she was going to tell you yesterday."

"Why did she tell _you_?"

Shrugging, Joey replies, "Obviously, she was scared you'd panic."

Ross waits a minute then twitches his chin. "Yeah, okay. Anyway, back to my story—"

"You won't tell her I told you?"

"No."

Before Ross can say another word, the nurse calls Joey up to check his vitals.

"Wow," she murmurs as she removes the cuff. "I do not like your blood pressure. How do you eat?"

"With these babies!" he flexes his hands.

"No, I mean, do you ever eat salads?"

"What for? I'm not fat. You could stand to lose some pounds, peaches."

Grabbing his arm, Ross asks, "Joey, don't you want to go home?"

"Not yet."

"No, I mean, if you make this nurse mad, she could give you some medicine that stops your heart in a flash."

"Oh yeah." Joey gives the nurse his most charming smile. "How ya doing, Toots?"

Her expression is immune. "Thanks, but I'm really not offended. I don't care what _pfft_ face thinks of me." She pats her chest. "And I'm healthy. I eat a salad every day. My body digests food differently. Yes. I'm fat. Doesn't bother me." To Ross, she says, "I'm not going to kill your friend. I could, but I won't."

As she shoos them back to the waiting room, she announces, "A doctor will see you in two hours."

"Two hours?!" Joey explodes. "You're kidding, right?"

She laughs dryly. "No. The waiting room is full of people who need immediate assistance. A woman in her sixties who is blue in the face from incapability to breathe. A man dying from a heart attack. Another man who was cut up and amputated in a fight with a broken beer bottle. A man who tripped and fell on his own kitchen knife, super close to his heart. Versus…" she waves her hand at Joey to make her point.

Fists on his hips, Joey indignantly declares, "I'm an actor!" with the air of someone declaring, "I'm a superhero!"

"The writers can write you out of their scripts," she retorts snottily. "Worst case scenario. Best case, you just need a salad."

When they are reseated in the waiting room, Ross murmurs, "This is good because now I can tell you what happened to Rachel, and you can forget all your troubles. Or not…" he mumbles as he realizes it might not be that easy to distract Joey from the threat of having the writers write him off.

"What?"

Ross comes out of his heavy thoughts. "Emma Swan was the Savior. But now Rachel is."

Joey wrinkles his nose. "Yeah _right_."

"I mean, Chandler's the Dark One."

Waving his hands in the air, Joey mutters, "Not this nonsense again! All of you are bonkers. Monica's been trying to tell me this story. I don't believe in fairy tales." He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back stubbornly in his seat.

Grumpy, who was two seats over with an amputated arm, leans over. "You keep talking like that, you'll kill Tinker Bell."

"Boohoo," Joey growls. "You thinks I'm dumb?"

Tentatively, Ross murmurs, "You haven't seen Chandler since?"

Joey shakes his head resolutely.

"Oh well. You'll see him on Christmas."

When the next nurse finally calls Joey in, she takes his blood.

The light results they run make the doctor stare at the results with a shiver of excitement.

"Finally, someone who's not a hypochondriac. What's his occupation?"

"Actor."

"Oh." She rubs her hands together then washes them. "I'd better go tell him the bad news." She tries to hide her underlying excitement under a straight face, but her eyes glow.

She strolls breezily into the room and says to the man in the white gown on the hospital chair, "You have rabies."

"I do?" asks Joey excitedly.

Ross narrows his eyes. "No he doesn't. He's not frothing at the mouth."

The doctor titters. "Hospital humor. Thought you'd be relieved. If he had rabies, you'd die, right?"

"What are you talking about?"

She presses her cold hand to a mark on Ross' neck. He flinches at the sudden chill. "He gave you a hickey."

"That was my wife."

"Oh." Dropping her hand, she murmurs, "My mistake." Looking at her chart, she asks Ross, "Does he smoke?"

"No. Chandler smokes."

"Chandler?" She laughs. "What a funny name. Yeah, sorry. Joey, you have a really bad kidney disease. Along with some indication of heart failure. I cannot do a thorough diagnosis, as I'm an ER doc, not a specialist, but from your shallow blood test, my guess is secondhand smoke had a hand in this." She waits for someone to laugh.

"_Shallow_ blood test?" Joey repeats incredulously. "She drained my arm of blood!"

Ross holds up both thumbs. "Good guess. Chandler smokes a pack a day and blows it straight up Joey's nostrils."

"He does?" Ross' sarcasm floats over her head. "That's awful. What a terrible friend. Anyway, drinking a lot more water will help the kidneys, but your heart is doomed. You'll die either way." She leaves them with Ross' jaw dropped and Joey's eyes glazed.

"Joey," Ross snaps. "This isn't a role for a movie."

"It's not?" Joey cocks his head. "I'm going to die?"

The nurse pokes her nose into the room. "Let me give you a flu shot, and you need to sign these papers saying we're not responsible for your death."

"Whoa! The doc said I'm dying. No shots. C'mon, Ross. I don't even have insurance."

"We'll bill you," the nurse calls desperately.


	5. Chapter 5

Pandora's Box: 1664

There was no such thing as New York City.

The Blue Fairy shakes her head at the Duke of York. It is so dark that the only light stems from her blue glow. "Your heart is pure," she informs him gruffly, "so I heard your wish. But I do not like to help with such…petty nuisances." As she hands him the box, her blood runs cold. "My advice to you is this: Though the box is in your hand, do not open it. You will not be able to undo the action."

"This is not petty!" he bleats. "Provinces are important! I am an important man!" Lifting a finger in the air, he announces, "England is important!"

He strokes the box with love. "You must know this is not the town it is meant to be. It is meant to be a livelihood. I have a vision. This box will help me realize my vision."

"Yes," she agrees softly, hanging her head as humbly as she can. Which isn't easy. She is a proud fairy who believes she is always right. For the Blue Fairy, hanging her head means her nose is no longer pointed directly up at the sky but rather in a diagonal fashion. She grimaces as she realizes her attempt to hang her head wouldn't help straighten this man out even if he does imitate her inappropriate behavior. She points her nose back up at the sky. "But the box…Pandora's Box, as is the proper name. It has lovely things, true. But besides the lovely things are terrible things."

"So?" the duke inquires mockingly. "That is the way of humans, of the world, is it not? For every wonderful thing, there is an opposite, terrible thing, no? But that doesn't make the wonderful less wonderful. Or the ordinary less bland."

"I still do not advise you to open that box."

The duke can't believe how incredibly shallow she is. "If you do not advise me to open it, why did you give it to me, hmm, woman?"

"Because," she replies sulkily, "it's what good fairies do."

"Huh. It is not dark magic?"

"No. I can only handle pure magic. But that box isn't magic. The things inside of it might be magical. The box itself is neither good nor evil."

He looks down. An inhalation tickles his hand. "But it breathes."

"It does…" Though her nose remains in the air, she stares at the box.

He touches the top of the box. The Blue Fairy gasps. "No!"

"But I want to create," he utters with great fervor, extreme longing, "The greatest city in the world! A true masterpiece! The most magical, enlightened, beautiful…"

The Blue Fairy lifts her wand to seal Pandora's Box closed. Before she can succeed, the Duke of York opens it.

The Two Towers climb out of the box.

The earth rumbles as loneliness and antisocialness slither out of the box.

Lightning flashes as the Statue of Liberty rises from the box and kicks it off her foot.

"Yes, yes!" the Duke croons.

The Blue Fairy squeezes her eyes shut and mutters, "I'll be…somewhere…another realm…if you need me…ignoring you. Pretending this isn't happening…" and with a swish of her wand, she vanishes.

The beautiful, amazing New York City things come out of Pandora's Box. As do the horrors.

But as the Duke watches the masterpiece finish creating itself, he knows the horrors do not make the wonders less magical.

He is glad he did not listen to the Blue Fairy.

Into a microphone, he belts out, "I now introduce…New York City!"

And that was how New York City came to be born.


	6. Chapter 6

Ross Geller's hands are shaking. He has just witnessed Rumplestiltskin speaking to a woman.

A woman he has not seen in so many years that he forgot all about her.

"Monica!" he blurts when he sees her, standing outside her workplace getting a spot of fresh air. Dressed in her chef's uniform, she turns to him with uncertain eyes. The way he is looking at her right now reminds her of the time he was having a nervous breakdown at work.

"Do you remember…"

"That guy who kept eating your sandwich? Yeah."

"No…do you remember that I was adopted?"

Wrinkling her nose, she reaches up to touch his forehead. "Ross? You feeling okay?"

"Mom and Dad were poor. They sold me to Regina Mills."

"Oh. Right. That was a long time ago. You came back when you were six."

"Right. And I told you…I was adopted by the Evil Queen. Because she wanted Snow White's heart."

"You were not adopted by the Evil Queen." Monica rolls her eyes. "Regina Mills is not the Evil Queen."

"And I told you she had a talk with Rumplestiltskin…"

"Oh yeah. I remember telling you you were insane if you thought Regina Mills knew the boogeyman…but now I'm married to him…wait, so you were saying?" she asks, now more attentively. "Regina Mills?"

"She really is the Evil Queen. I saw her just now, chatting with Rumplestiltskin…and she looks the exact same."

"No way!" Monica squeals. "I'm starting to get crow's foot. I have got to ask what she uses on her skin."

Ross gulps. "Probably baby parts."

"Ross, don't be revolting," Monica orders him crossly.

"By the way, Mon. Joey is dying."

No longer concerned for her skin, Monica stares at her brother with large, sad eyes. "Joey is dying?"

"Yes. You should probably tell Chandler. There's something wrong with Joey's heart. He's going to die soon."

"No! Chandler…Chandler will be heartbroken."

"I know," Ross agrees. "I feel so bad. Joey's like a Golden retriever…so friendly and sweet…Chandler's best friend…"

Monica bites her bottom lip. "And think, if we were all dogs…he'd be the dog who had the most breeds as partners. Poodles, shih tzus, Dalmatians, Labradors, beagles, papillons, jack russells…"

"Yeah, yeah, I get the point," Ross rolls his eyes. "He really is a dog."

Eyeing him curiously, Monica wonders, "How did you get away from the Evil Queen?"

"Ah." Ross waves his hand, scrunching up his face. "She let me go. No big deal. She'd had me since I was a baby. I was getting a bit weird for her. And then I snuck off, ran away, managed to leave Storybrooke and find a train station in another town…just by riding my bike…"

Monica stares at him. "What? But I could barely walk two miles when I was six, never mind…get on my bike."

"Yeah, I know. Your bike kinda…" Ross scratches the back of his neck. "Groaned under your weight."

"Dang it."

"Yeah, well, this nice lady at the train station…she asked me where I live. And Mom and Dad wrote to me once a week since I was born. So I told her their address. She said, 'You're a far way from home.' I said, 'Yeah, I was camping and ended up in the lair of the Evil Queen.' She thought I needed to see a psychiatrist…but she made sure I got home."

"Damn, I'm jealous," Monica groans. "You had a way better childhood than I did. But what nimrod thinks a _six-year-old_ needs to see a psychiatrist?" she speculates, chewing her bottom lip. "That must've been one demented woman…"

Narrowing his eyes at her, Ross snaps, "Did you not hear me? I was adopted by the Evil Queen! I'd hardly call that a lovely childhood."

"But what did she make you do?"

Ross, looking up at the sky, rubs the back of his neck. "She made me hold up her mirror so she could ask who the fairest of them all is. By the way," he meets her eyes. "It's not you."

Monica snorts. "Am I growing bat ears as well as crow's feet?"

"No, dearie, but your husband is a crocodile. You're sure to turn into an alligator."

"That is not how it works!"

Lifting his right eyebrow, Ross asks, "Isn't it?"

As he walks off, Monica makes a face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I love Prince Charming and Snow. What happens in this chapter is not out of hatred for them but for the sake of having fun story-writing. And it was my son's idea. He loves Prince Charming.**

Wearing a cap and half a ski mask, Chandler appears in front of Snow White and Prince Charming, cackling like a maniac.

"Time to die!" he utters menacingly.

Confused, Snow glances at Prince Charming. "I thought today was Christmas Eve. Not…Halloween? April Fool's? Whatzit?"

Prince Charming, clad in a red jacket and sweatpants, shakes his head wryly. "I don't know."

They are standing in the middle of a bustling New York street blanketed by snow. The Statue of Liberty winks at them in the sunlight.

Chandler slits his eyes at them. "Don't you guys realize I'm going to kill you?"

Without concern, Prince Charming replies, "Yeah, well," he stretches his legs. "If you want me to be honest…Regina had a vendetta on my wife…and she never succeeded in the murder…my wife even begged her to kill her, and Regina chose not to…so no offense, but I'm not afraid of you."

Wrinkling her nose and scrunching up her cheeks, Snow asked, "Who are you dressed up as? Dracula? You forgot the fangs?"

Showing off his gold tooth and rubbing it with his fingertip, Chandler utters sarcastically, "Hello? I'm dressed as the Dark One?"

"The Dark One," Snow corrects, "has a cane. Not a cape." In her white snow hat, snow jacket, and snow pants, she starts to tug Prince Charming away, but Chandler appears in front of them.

"I guess," Prince Charming sighs, "This is what we get for trying to take a Christmassy vacation without the kids? I hope Granny and Ruby are enjoying the babysitting. We're about to get mugged."

"Don't you guys get it?" sneers Chandler. "I'm the Dark One. My best friend is dying because his heart is bad. And I am going to remove Snow's heart from the two of you, put it together, and give it to Joe for Christmas. The greatest gift of all. Life!"

"But why," Snow wonders, "our heart? There are so many people…right here…in NYC. You can have any of their hearts."

"Because you two have the best hearts of all," replies Chandler cockily. "I want a magical heart for my friend," he sneers. "Not some lump of coal that's going to go bad in two weeks. I want the real thing. Something that will pump magic blood in his veins…for all of eternity." He pulls out a cigarette and lights it, grinning as he exhales.

Snow scrutinizes him then turns to her husband. "Yeah, he's definitely lying. The Dark One doesn't have a cigarette. He's an imposter."

"Oh, my God!" Chandler gasps, half from the ecstasy of the cigarette. Half from major annoyance. As the three bone-chilling words flee his lips, he thinks uncomfortably of Janice yet again. His eyes slide up at the light grey sky dotted with snowy clouds floating low above them. "What's the point of being a Dark One if you can't create the atmosphere of fear?"

He removes the dagger from his shirt pocket and shows them. It says "Chandler Bing".

Snow stares hard at it, judging the authenticity from sight before excitedly deducing, "It's fake! It's made of plastic!"

Wrinkling his brow, Chandler sees the light reflecting off the dagger even though the sun is hiding behind clouds. "I don't know what you're talking about. What makes you think it's plastic?"

"It doesn't look right. It has to be a fake." Snow rolls her eyes and shrugs her shoulders. "I've held it before. The real one. When my daughter was the Dark One. Now if you'll excuse us…"

Chandler teleports in front of her in a fog of orange-red smoke. He sneers when her jaw drops.

"But magic's not supposed to work outside of Storybrooke!"

"Who told you that?" Chandler demands. "That's not true." He cackles. "Anymore…"

Snow opens her mouth. Chandler reaches in both her and Charming's chests. He wrenches out half a bright red oval in each chest.

Snow stares at Charming. "No," she whispers stubbornly even as she reaches for his hand. "I refuse to believe…this is the end. I refuse to believe…you and I will ever die."

"Believe it and weep," snarls Chandler. "I have to save my friend!"

Prince Charming holds Snow's face in his hands. Lovingly, he caresses with his voice, "I will always find you…even in death."

Chandler puts the sides of the heart back together. Charming dies, for now he has no heart. The wind blows as his body collapses to the ground.

Snow bursts into tears. "No…it can't end this way." She drops to her knees and presses her hand to her lover's chest. Heartbrokenly, she gasps, "How can this be real? I told you, Charming." She sobs. "I told you…every time we were supposed to have been victorious and just…enjoy…just love one another…some other bad guy came. We were always losing each other." Around a huge lump in her throat, she manages to say, "And you told me…you refuse to believe that." A wind comes and tears the thick tear sliding down from her cheek.

Luckily, she doesn't have long to wait to be reunited with her man.

Chandler does a preserving spell on the heart then puts it in a jewelry box.

Using his magic, he kills Snow White. Turning her into black ash that vanishes into the wind.

Then he returns to his home with Monica, Jack, and Erica.

One look at her husband as Monica half-carries, half-rocks her sobbing and sleepy baby in her arms, Monica asks, "What'd you do?"

Erica wails louder. Monica grimaces, praying she won't wake up Jack. Monica needs sleep too. She hasn't slept in two days because if one is asleep, the other baby is awake.

"I have saved Joe's life," Chandler utters proudly.

"That sounds ominous. Could you please put Erica to sleep? You have all that powerful magic. Please put it to good use."

"All magic comes with a price, dearie!" Chandler guffaws.

"I'm serious," Monica retorts. "I can't imagine putting a baby to sleep will really upset the balance of the universe."

Chandler thinks about it. "Fine. If you insist. Besides, I highly doubt you're going to die because I put the baby to sleep." He uses his magic, just a fleck, and knocks his daughter out cold.

Gratefully, Monica places the baby in her crib. As she has attempted to do for the past two hours every time Erica fooled her into thinking she was out like a light. But the moment she placed her down, Erica would wail again and make Monica straighten so fast and sharply she'd hit her head on the underside of the shelf above their cribs. Every freaking time.

This time, Erica does not wake up screaming. Jack moves slightly, but other than that, all is calm.

Monica lets out a breath and whispers, "Okay, Chandler. I have not been so turned on by you since you became the Dark One. Come on." She tugs him into their bedroom. "Before the mood is gone."

"I should put them to sleep more often," he jokes.

Monica satisfies the heck out of him. When she is done, she beams.

"Wow! Being the Dark One…sure multiplied…just _whoa_! I did not know you could do it like that!"

He laughs. "Well, I'm not Joey," he utters while blushing.

"Please. Joey has nothing on you. If we weren't married, everyone in New York would be buzzing about how great you are in bed. Now…forgive me if I pass out. If Jack wakes up, please take care of him for me, will you?"

"Of course."


	8. Chapter 8

"Merry Christmas!" Ross tells Phoebe as she enters Monica and Chandler's apartment.

She deflates. "I was hoping you were Chandler."

"Okay. Thanks for settling."

Playfully punching his arm, she replies, "That's not what I meant. It's just…I'm so…excited to see what he looks like now." She drops her giant tote bag full of gifts on the floor beside Monica's couch. "I've been so busy working and finding Christmas gifts for everybody and playing Christmas songs and making love to my husband…" she gives Mike a naughty stare as he enters. He blushes.

"What are you talking about?" he asks nervously. "My mom's not here, so I hope you're not telling everyone how I performed last night?"

Phoebe grinned. "But I mean, come on. You were so hot! Joey's got nothing on you."

"Hey!" Joey yelps from his spot invading the armchair. "I resent that. I always will be the best!"

Monica comes to ruffle his hair. "Keep telling yourself that."

Joey does what Joey does best. Pout. "I mean, come on." Looking right at Phoebe, he asks, "How ya doing?"

"Damn it." She giggles. Then she props herself on the arm of the couch. Leaning down, she hugs Ross. "Merry Christmas!"

"Five minutes belated, but I'll take it. I love you guys! My friends."

"Aw, Ross," Monica snarks, "it's a bit early for eggnog."

Rachel asks Phoebe, "Didn't Monica do a great job fixing this place up? You're lucky, Mon. You've got babies. I've got a toddler who thinks it is her duty to tear all my decorations up."

Ross turns to Phoebe. "That was her lazy way of having an excuse to spend a majority of the holiday season in clothing stores. By insisting Emma would only destroy everything. The kid never even had a chance. I think she's going to think she lives at Barney's."

"It was Tiffany's you made that comment at," Rachel huffs, "and come on…I can't help it that that one necklace was…so beautiful…but you know…" She reaches over and squeezes his hand. "I'd rather have you than some stupid necklace. My daddy would buy it for me. Barry would buy it for me. You can't afford it, but that's okay. Because you mean…so much more to me…"

Under his breath, Ross tells Phoebe, "Little does she know I did buy it for her."

Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand as an excited giggle escapes her lips. Then she grabs Mike's elbow. "Let's lead everyone into a singalong!"

Mike smiles tenderly at her while trying not to roll his eyes.

"Smelly cat, oh smelly cat. He found some wreaths. Oh, smelly cat, oh smelly cat. No one wants him in Barney's. Smelly cat jumped on top of their building. Then when someone walked in, he dove like a bat. And collided…then they spent Christmas Eve at the hospital with a cat stuck to their face…Screaming Jingle Bells Santa smells like a hairball…"

"Where is Chandler anyway?" Mike asks Monica.

"Heaven knows. He said something about wanting to make an entrance."

"Does he have to do that?" Rachel leans over the dark brown crib. "Aw! You've got both the babies sleeping in the same crib?"

"Well, right now, they're that tiny." Monica tucks her hair behind her ear and brags, "And they're asleep at the same time."

"It's a Christmas miracle!" Jolly Phoebe declares. She claps her hands. "Eh, guys? Babies and Christmas miracles!"

"Well," Monica remarks, "I'm glad whatever miracles they encouraged, it wasn't that Erica spent nine months pregnant and they came out of my uterus." She shudders.

Phoebe's eyes light up. "That'd be a true miracle!" she gushes.

"I adore their outfits!" Rachel gushes, reaching in to stroke Baby Erica's cheek. Erica is dressed as a reindeer. Jack is dressed as a snowman. "But why did you pierce Erica's ears?"

Monica walks over. "It's not a piercing. They had sticker earrings on sale." She pulls the red sticker off her daughter's ear. "See?" She puts it back on.

"Nice. Emma's ears are only pierced because of dumb Amy."

Rachel turns to look for Emma. She gasps and jumps out of her spot, trying to run but tripping over things in effort to get to her kid. "Don't touch that, don't touch that." If Ross were closer, she'd make him go, but she is closer.

And misses. Emma knocks the lights out just as the room thunders.

Reddish-black smoke appears, and Chandler is at the center.

"Super Chandler," remarks Ross, blinking as Chandler fixes the lights with his magic. Even though Emma tore out the cord keeping their electricity on.

"I've got some amazing Christmas gifts this year!" Chandler announces. "But I'm saving the best for last."

He turns to Phoebe. "I'm giving you," he hands her a tiny vial, "a special potion to turn any cat you wish into a smelly, _loved_ cat."

He hands Ross a bottle of magical hairspray. "To get any girl of your dreams."

"We're already married," points Rachel out coolly.

For Mike, he gives him a cage. "To get rid of any pests Phoebe tries to adopt in spite of your perpetual disgust. No conversations needed. This puppy gets the job done."

He gives Rachel a magic comb. "For hair with the sexiness of a mermaid."

"You got both of us hair stuff."

"Because you're married. Duh." Turning to Monica, to Joey's surprise, he produces a contract. "I will stop time for everyone but us any time you want a rendezvous with me in the middle of a meeting."

"That's disgusting," Phoebe declares. "And mighty cocky of you."

"Not really," Monica informs her. "Since he became the Dark One, his skills got an automatic boost."

"Ooh! Kinky!"

Chandler turns to Joey. He smiles in a Dark One way. "Joe, Joe, Joe. I got something for you. My brother…I love you. I won't let you die. So I got you…this." His hands produce a magical, glowing heart.

"Ooh, neat. You got me the gem the monkey on Aladdin wanted!"

"No, not exactly." Chandler removes Joey's heart and puts Snow/Charming's heart in his chest. He crushes Joey's damaged heart under his boot. "I got you the heart Snow White and Prince Charming shared!" Chandler poses like a superhero.

Instead of grinning widely and hugging him, yelping, "This is great!" Joey gives Chandler an expression Chandler has never seen Joey make before. One full of rage and scorn. One full of repulsion.

It doesn't belong on his face.

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Couldn't you have told me before you did this?"

Chandler feels a swooping sensation in his chest. He starts to open his mouth.

Joey snaps, "No! You're supposed to be my best friend! And you think it's going to make me happy if you kill for me? This does not make me happy!"

"I can see that Joe," Chandler utters quietly, bowing his head. He snaps his fingers and vanished into a fog of red and green smoke.

Phoebe looks sad. "There goes the Dark One. Taking the holiday cheer with him." She glances at the floor where Chandler's foot had been. "Ew! He didn't take Joe's heart. Monica, you love this! Clean it up. This is your bread and butter."

Monica does her cleaning thing.

With admiration, Phoebe says, "You're a natural! I'm amazed you didn't become a lady who cleans up when someone dies. What do they call it again?"

"Hospital staff," Monica answers. "And, come on. I love to clean, but getting paid for it would suck the fun out of it."

Phoebe stops smiling. "Ah. That's right. You're a maniac about having a neat house, not a maniac about cleaning other people's homes."

Joey stares hard at Phoebe. "I beg to differ. Monica cleaned my shower once. And expected me to thank her for it. But I found her completely bizarre."

Monica shrugs. "I was trying to be nice. The gesture fell flat."

Deep in the recesses of Storybrooke, Regina growls, "He did _what_?"

Rumple repeats from his Pawn Shop with fatigued eyes. "Chandler murdered Snow White and the Prince."

Regina explodes from within. "But you said…you never! I thought you couldn't…" She brakes herself. "I mean, we did end up friends," she relents. "I just…guh! You could've killed Snow all along!"

"Well, in my defense, you ordered her to eat that poison apple. You could have stopped wasting her time and laced it with actual poison. Or put a black widow spider on her arm. Doesn't matter," Rumple utters tiredly. "Nobody can escape death forever. In the end, the Dark One murdered them…and I was not the Dark One in question."

Icily, Regina states, "If I were still the Evil Queen…ooh!"


End file.
